The questions, the scenarios, and the waiting.

I have been having a really rough week... possibly month. If I'm being honest, maybe longer.

We have an amazing support system, and we are so unbelievably blessed to have them. Though if I'm being entirely honest, sometimes their questions suck. Why do they suck you might ask? Because they ask us me questions we would like to know answers to ourselves... When? How old? Boy or Girl? How many?! Over and over. I know some people have worse questions, believe me I've got a few of those also.... Why not have children of your own? Will you still have your own kids? Are you going to tell them? I wouldn't tell them! Why don't you adopting from another country? You should. What's wrong with you guys, can't have any the ole' fashion way?"  Though lucky for us, none of our truly unpleasant questions have been asked by loved ones. Over all when people find out they're overwhelmingly kind and have great things to say. For those people, strangers and friends alike, I am grateful.

I just keep thinking about our children. I know that they are out there somewhere, right now, at this very second and someone else is with them... I don't know if they are with a foster family and tragedy has struck or are with their birth family and tragedy is on the horizon. Whether we like it or not, our children are only going to be our children because they have lost something, because some horrible thing happened in their tiny beautiful little life. They may have been taken or abandoned or some entirely different tragedy I can't even imagine. Our love is going to be hard for them... and that fact already killing me.

Let alone the fact that in my heart I am already their mom, which may be entirely unbelievable to some, but I'm hoping it isn't entirely foreign to the other perspective/acting adoptive mommies. I mean really it's like they're already ours, and they are missing. I can't turn off the questions. Are they are cold or content, happy or scared, hungry or sad, lonely or loved...? It is so unbelievably overwhelming, and isolating. I just wish someone would tell me, that they went through the same thing. I want someone to tell me that I am not out of my 25-year-old mind...

I contacted our adoption worker, Kathy, who is currently writing our home study. She told me she is so behind she no longer has any idea how long it will be until she finishes writing it. As much as I tried to be graceful, I do understand that she is swamped, this is hard. It just feels like climbing a mountain and finding a new hill has grown on our previously sighted meadow. The meadow where we were going to sit and wait for our children... correction: where we will sit and wait for our children.

"Don't worry. It's just a long and tedious process, but it will happen soon."

soon...

Two years, three months, two days, and counting.

 This whole type of waiting thing is not for the faint of heart.