Frozen

thump. thump. thump. I feel my heart beating against my ribs. My stomach is in knots. A lump in my throat threatening to suffocate me.

"... coming in the next two weeks to visit. You will need to provide her, at those times."

    It was the first time I ever spoke to the adoption assessment worker. The call was just long enough for her to tell us that the bio family who was not out of the picture as we were told, but coming to meet our girl, and that as far as she was concerned they were going to have priority over us to adopt her. 

   We were shattered. Heartbroken. Horrified. For all of an hour I felt hopeless. I called my husband home from work. I called her former foster parents (who came over later that night). And then I attached my phone to my ear. I called every contact I could think of and wrote a crazy amount of emails. Unfortunately it was a Friday afternoon and we got no answers until the next week.

   The supervisor for the matching portion of adoptions called me on Wednesday the next week, (after a horrid first in home visit with the assessment worker) and assured me that she had spoken with the assessment worker and that we would be given an even playing field and assessed fairly. Even though we were still being told opposite things by every one we spoke to. Still we felt better.

   And then the next meeting was when I took our Munchkin to go meet the out of state bio relative. I made the mistake of getting a little choked up, a few tears escaped while I was trying to get some strait answers from her after the visit. She explained that she was "very concerned that" I was being"so emotional" and then while I was in the middle of a sentence someone asked to speak to her for a second so she with out a word stood up and began to walk away. She stopped turned back and said "I'll see you tomorrow at eleven." I had been dismissed. I was not pleased.

   A new flurry of emails emanated from my laptop that afternoon leading to a face to face meeting the following week with both the assessment worker and her supervisor. We were told a lot during that meeting-most of which amounted to wait and see. They also had us tell them about her and us. Our routines, how we felt she was adjusting-and why we felt that way. I vented about it on instagram and that is where it will remain.

   I am convinced had I not asked my questions and made those emails and phone calls, that she would be viewing us with them still having priority and that we would not have had that meeting with her and her supervisor to plead our case and ask our questions. Leaving that meeting we felt a mild sense of rest. They were going to make their assessment and I needed to shut up put on a brave face and let it happen. All we can do is wait and pray.