Merry Christmas to us

Today the un thinkable happened.

We met with the social worker for December's visit, and she told us what her decision was...

Us. 

Holy Moly. Us. 

She is going to be ours.We arent going to lose her.

As long as the judge agrees, she will be our daughter, 

Frozen

thump. thump. thump. I feel my heart beating against my ribs. My stomach is in knots. A lump in my throat threatening to suffocate me.

"... coming in the next two weeks to visit. You will need to provide her, at those times."

    It was the first time I ever spoke to the adoption assessment worker. The call was just long enough for her to tell us that the bio family who was not out of the picture as we were told, but coming to meet our girl, and that as far as she was concerned they were going to have priority over us to adopt her. 

   We were shattered. Heartbroken. Horrified. For all of an hour I felt hopeless. I called my husband home from work. I called her former foster parents (who came over later that night). And then I attached my phone to my ear. I called every contact I could think of and wrote a crazy amount of emails. Unfortunately it was a Friday afternoon and we got no answers until the next week.

   The supervisor for the matching portion of adoptions called me on Wednesday the next week, (after a horrid first in home visit with the assessment worker) and assured me that she had spoken with the assessment worker and that we would be given an even playing field and assessed fairly. Even though we were still being told opposite things by every one we spoke to. Still we felt better.

   And then the next meeting was when I took our Munchkin to go meet the out of state bio relative. I made the mistake of getting a little choked up, a few tears escaped while I was trying to get some strait answers from her after the visit. She explained that she was "very concerned that" I was being"so emotional" and then while I was in the middle of a sentence someone asked to speak to her for a second so she with out a word stood up and began to walk away. She stopped turned back and said "I'll see you tomorrow at eleven." I had been dismissed. I was not pleased.

   A new flurry of emails emanated from my laptop that afternoon leading to a face to face meeting the following week with both the assessment worker and her supervisor. We were told a lot during that meeting-most of which amounted to wait and see. They also had us tell them about her and us. Our routines, how we felt she was adjusting-and why we felt that way. I vented about it on instagram and that is where it will remain.

   I am convinced had I not asked my questions and made those emails and phone calls, that she would be viewing us with them still having priority and that we would not have had that meeting with her and her supervisor to plead our case and ask our questions. Leaving that meeting we felt a mild sense of rest. They were going to make their assessment and I needed to shut up put on a brave face and let it happen. All we can do is wait and pray.

The best morning

This morning has been the best morning, and it isn't even eleven. I have no pictures from this morning but that is because it was so amazing being entirely in the moment. By some magical happenstance my husband and I have today and tomorrow off together, and while that is a regular occurrence for some families ours is not one of them. So we planned the pumpkin patch for today, and a zoo boo event that our local zoo does each year for our day tomorrow with our best friends and their son-our god son. Before you think it, we haven't even been to the pumpkin patch yet. My best morning ever is an entirely ordinary morning but it is a morning I have been dreaming of most of my life. 

We woke up and made breakfast together, and had pancakes and turkey sausage sitting together and laughing. She had milk we had coffee. She finished before us and asked to get down while we finished so she played in our dining room with the pups while we watched on and encouraged. 

I went to check my phone- that had been left in our bedroom due to its lack of importance on a lazy family morning- to check to see if my parents had called since they were going to the pumpkin patch with us. They were running behind because the veterans hospital still hadn't gotten to them. I told them not to worry because we were just having fun. 

Well in comes my munchkin and the pups followed closely by my husband. She wanted to sit with me on the bed after seeing the pups jump up, so we all climbed on together and some how end up with the three of us-sans puppies- under the covers making forts. Let me tell you, down blankets with morning light shining trough the windows and the white cloth, looks a lot like dozens of galaxies all with their own solar systems and super novas. We just laid there and watched her explore and held her hands as she jumped on the bed-yes we did and I don't care what anyone thinks- we were making memories.

Eventually we heard a crashing noise and ran out to check what Toby was doing. We knew it would be him, and it was. He had eaten the rest of the pancakes off her plate and mine-they had been on the table. We laughed it off and cleaned it up. and danced in the living room to Weezer. 

And now I have received the text from my parents to tell me they are headed to us and I still need to get our little family dressed, because in all of the amazingness of our everyday wonderful morning, it just wasn't important.

off to the pumpkin patch.

Matched... and un-matched

It has been a roller coaster summer, to say the least. 

On 4th of July I noticed I had missed email from the day before. It was from our adoption worker we were officially approved. Enter marching band and streamers falling from the sky here. 

it was the following Thursday at 10 o'clock in the morning that I received a phone call from a number I didn't recognize. I admittedly abruptly walked out of the shoot I was half way through doing, but I had a feeling it was what it ultimately was-a match. 

Fast forward a month-past disclosure, and first meeting her... yes her... past visits during the day and over night,and past having her placed with us, becoming her guardians and falling absolutely head over heels for her-to August 5. It was just after noon,we were laughing about something.I looked down when my phone buzzed. social services. I handed baby girl to Peter and picked up the call. It lasted less than a minute, just long enough to tell us that the courts decided they didn't have jurisdiction. Our low risk fost/adopt was a bust. She was leaving in 2 hours.

They came-late-and were here for less than 2 minutes. The social worker apologized to me, and I just shook my head unable to respond. They left without another word. my heart in her hands. She had been sleeping, and at first I thought it was better, but then I worried that she would be confused or scared when she woke up. They had taken 2.5 weeks to transition her to us and in a heartbeat she was gone. She woke up with someone she had spent less than 16 hours with, in her entire life and a ton of people she had never met,  in a place she had never been before. 

Heart broken doesn't begin to cover it.

Please don't misunderstand... I am genuinely happy for them; But I am so terribly scared for them. I confusingly hope that I never hear about her again, because that means they made it, if I do that means she is back in the system, and I don't know that I could take that.

The very next day, I received a phone call from Kathy, our adoption coordinator, apologizing and asking if it was okay to put us in a matching for a set of twin girls. We said yes. 

August 15th we were driving home from San Francisco, and visiting some of my amazing family, when we got a call from Kathy asking about placing a little boy with us immediately just released from the hospital. Unfortunately the similarities to baby girl's case were screaming at us. We very sadly and regretfully said no.

The next week we got another call asking if we were okay with being put in a matching for a little boy only a few months old, after making sure we could be in multiple matching's we said yes.

Finally after hearing nothing for a few days we called and found out that the next day the social workers and adoption coordinators were meeting up to match both the twins, and the little boy- the only problem, our coordinator was out of town. 

We weren't matched with either.

Back to waiting. 

"It is my recommendation...."

Today we had our home study review, in fact I just walked through my door. It will be 12 weeks tomorrow since I had my individual, and final, interview. Let me tell you it has been an immense amount of waiting.

We are blessed to be here, and to have the amazing support system that we do. Kathy, our adoption coordinator, has been (and will continue to be) our guardian through all of the classes, certifications, stacks of forms, the brightly colored stickers indicating a required signature, phone calls, questions, emails, the waiting, ext. She was our instructor through our classes and she wrote our home study. I guess the benefit of having and abnormally long process, has been getting to know her for the past year of our lives. I have to admit I was a little sad leaving that final review, at the prospect of not speaking to her anymore. So I asked if that was the last time I would be seeing her and was pleasantly surprised to find out she will be with us through out most of the rest of this process. From matching us to our children, to disclosure, to visits, and placement, all the way through as far as the mind can take me. I am unbelievably relieved to have her help us through the rest of this. It's like finding out a beloved Aunt is going to see us through. We know (and have now been  v e r y  reassured after reading the home study) that she wholeheartedly supports us, believes in us, is excited for us, and wants us to adopt.

We don't have the official approval yet, but have been reassured that there is nothing in our file that makes denial remotely possible. Other than this blog and a few text's (to our parents and biggest supporters) we are not posting this day all over social media, making this day full of questions we wouldn't be able to answer. We are are letting our hearts be content with our news, and we'll tell the world when we have something firm to tell them.

As of today we are on the waiting list for our children. We have to potential of receiving a call tomorrow, yet I don't think I am fully wrapping my head around that possibility.
 A t  a l l.

A part of me has felt this entire time like our children are hypothetical. That they are my dream and that after every other delay this may never actually happen. Yet we have never been closer and even as I type this a warring side of myself is reminding me that they are out there, at this very moment, somewhere.

Waiting for us.

We are almost to them.

And the real journey starts.

Mother's Day

We are so blessed by the amazing people in our lives, one in particular made me cry recently... in the best way.

I have some incredible Best Friends, all of whom are very different. I posted pictures of my three (female) best friends in the last post Our Adoption Shower . This particular post is about one of them, Devon.

I've known this beautiful Ma'ma since we were in the sixth grade, 14 years ago, although we were not fast friends. After she got over it lol we became inseparable 2 years later, and through out the ups and downs of life we've always had each other. In fact I only met my husband because she insisted that I get, and even set up, a Myspace page. In turn she ended up marrying one of my Husband's friend's brother (another Indiana boy). They have a perfect little boy, Adrian Dean, who they named our god son.

 This was her first mother's day, and yet she got me a mother's Day card. I smiled and opened it...

Josh, her husband, said that this was perfect for me.

and her hand written inscription on the other side reads:
" You may not be a mother just yet,
but if any one deserves to be a mother it's you.
You have a big heart to be doing what you're doing,
and I couldn't be more proud.
We love you lots."

and then I cried.

Our Adoption Shower

We had our adoption shower this weekend and it was perfect.  

To be surrounded by such love and support was incredible.

My favorite part of preparing was decorating this cake with my husband, Peter.

The Favors

My best friend, Lauren, and I

My best friend, Devon, and I.

The cake Peter and I made the fondant (from scratch) decorated, and created together.

We played a game where everyone had play dough and had 60 seconds to make the closest thing to a baby they could.

Personally I agree to his thought that his looks like a turtle .

The winning "baby"as voted by the guests.

Some reactions to Matt's "60 second baby"

Presents.

Smelling a vegan soap one of my childhood friends, Chantel, included.

Peter thanking Matt for his play-yard gift.

My mom, myself, and my gram.

Friends since 7th grade

My best friend, Emily, and I

Easter "with" the children.

A few days ago was Easter, and while we haven't met our children yet we decided we will still celebrate with them anyway.

My husband and I, went shopping together on Easter for all sorts of goodies that we will put into our children's baskets. Sure it was a little more complicated, after all we aren't sure if we are getting one or two. Will we have two girls? Two boys? One of each? Just one? Will they be infants? Toddlers? Small children? We don't know, but I think it made it all the more fun!

We want some of their first memories with us to be in celebration. We want them to know how much we want them and waited for them. I don't know how 2014 calendar Easter Sunday was for them, if they celebrated or not. But we know that when we get them they will have a fun Easter... even if its in June.

The questions, the scenarios, and the waiting.

I have been having a really rough week... possibly month. If I'm being honest, maybe longer.

We have an amazing support system, and we are so unbelievably blessed to have them. Though if I'm being entirely honest, sometimes their questions suck. Why do they suck you might ask? Because they ask us me questions we would like to know answers to ourselves... When? How old? Boy or Girl? How many?! Over and over. I know some people have worse questions, believe me I've got a few of those also.... Why not have children of your own? Will you still have your own kids? Are you going to tell them? I wouldn't tell them! Why don't you adopting from another country? You should. What's wrong with you guys, can't have any the ole' fashion way?"  Though lucky for us, none of our truly unpleasant questions have been asked by loved ones. Over all when people find out they're overwhelmingly kind and have great things to say. For those people, strangers and friends alike, I am grateful.

I just keep thinking about our children. I know that they are out there somewhere, right now, at this very second and someone else is with them... I don't know if they are with a foster family and tragedy has struck or are with their birth family and tragedy is on the horizon. Whether we like it or not, our children are only going to be our children because they have lost something, because some horrible thing happened in their tiny beautiful little life. They may have been taken or abandoned or some entirely different tragedy I can't even imagine. Our love is going to be hard for them... and that fact already killing me.

Let alone the fact that in my heart I am already their mom, which may be entirely unbelievable to some, but I'm hoping it isn't entirely foreign to the other perspective/acting adoptive mommies. I mean really it's like they're already ours, and they are missing. I can't turn off the questions. Are they are cold or content, happy or scared, hungry or sad, lonely or loved...? It is so unbelievably overwhelming, and isolating. I just wish someone would tell me, that they went through the same thing. I want someone to tell me that I am not out of my 25-year-old mind...

I contacted our adoption worker, Kathy, who is currently writing our home study. She told me she is so behind she no longer has any idea how long it will be until she finishes writing it. As much as I tried to be graceful, I do understand that she is swamped, this is hard. It just feels like climbing a mountain and finding a new hill has grown on our previously sighted meadow. The meadow where we were going to sit and wait for our children... correction: where we will sit and wait for our children.

"Don't worry. It's just a long and tedious process, but it will happen soon."

soon...

Two years, three months, two days, and counting.

 This whole type of waiting thing is not for the faint of heart.

We're Adopting

It is so strange as I sit and think about this process. Right now our children are out there. We don't know if they are happy or scared, hurting or safe, hungry or cold. Loving someone you haven't met is the strangest feeling. I know I can't be the only one to have felt it, but somehow it still feels isolating.

 A staple of parenthood is knowing your child's past. Their likes and dislikes, their various favorites, simply put who they are. Sure we are licensed from newborn to 4 years old, and there is a chance we will get a baby who may not have too much of a past or any favorites yet. But we are hoping for a sibling set, meaning we know we have the potential of having to learn rather quickly what most parents watch develop.

We've been on this journey for more than two years now. It has been trying to say the least. Through it all we've had each other, and because of that fact, I know we will ride this road together wherever it takes us. We may never know how far away from our destination (adoption) we actually are, but no matter how steep it may get or how bumpy our road may become we will ride through it, assured of t
he knowledge that our wheels will never fall off. He is my rock, and I am his.